I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
