nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So here I am, sexting at work.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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