My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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