I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
