if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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