There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
