I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
