She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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