something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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