I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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