Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
bring money and cleavage
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
