My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
