Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
