The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
