im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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