last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I could make wine with my vomit
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
