Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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