Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
