At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
