I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
