Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
