My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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