i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
