i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
