i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
