How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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