Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
