easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
