"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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