fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
