there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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