I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
