I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
