In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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