i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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