That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
