you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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