you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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