i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
