I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
