I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
