i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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