there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
