We named our party play list daddy issues
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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