Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Send help, water and tortillas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
