Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you win again, gameday.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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