Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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