gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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