If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
