after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
