It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
