Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
