I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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