you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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