Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cut my penus on the lid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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