New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
