But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Houston, we have a blender
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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