Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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