just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
