3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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