She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you had me at cake vodka
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
