I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
