forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
