U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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